Beyond the Twenty First Dates

I once had someone tell me, “I need to set better boundaries with you,” after I had expressed an opinion about an interaction he had with his adult child. The way he said it carried the tone of a parent speaking to a child, as if to say, “Your behavior is unacceptable, and I expect you to change it.” As you can imagine, I did not appreciate the message – or the delivery.

So that moment got me thinking – what does it actually mean to set a boundary? A boundary is something you set for yourself regarding someone else. It is not a rule you set for the other person to abide by. If your boundaries involve the participation of another person, it’s not a boundary. It’s an attempt to control them.

Let’s say you have a friend who’s always late or cancels at the last minute. You could say something like:

• “I value my time and don’t like it when you show up late or cancel last minute.”

But let’s be real… if it were me, it’d sound more like:

• “Bitch! Why are you always late? It’s annoying, and I have other stuff I could be doing.”

If it keeps happening, get firm:

• “If you’re more than 10 minutes late today, I’ll need to reschedule.”

And if the pattern still doesn’t change? Stop making plans with them. You can’t control their terrible time management or lack of respect – you can only control your participation.

One valuable thing I’ve learned over the years is that boundaries don’t always have to be verbalized. In that situation, depending on the friendship, I might not say a word — I would just stop making plans.

Take a friend of mine dealing with a boss who offloads his work to avoid responsibility and routinely schedules late Friday meetings. It’s a tough situation. She can’t change the fact that he’s a total douche. But she CAN change how she responds.

When he dumps his responsibilities onto her, she can say:

• I’m currently working on Projects A & B, but if you would like me to take on Project C as well, which should I deprioritize?

And next time he schedules a 4:30 pm meeting on a Friday, she could say:

• I’m unavailable at that time. Instead, I can meet on Monday at 9:30.

A boss who schedules an end-of-day meeting on a Friday either doesn’t manage their time or team well during the week – or he’s simply a complete jerk who disregards everyone else’s time. Either way – it’s unacceptable.

Boundaries are a part of life, and the sooner you learn to set them – unapologetically – the happier you will be. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. They’re healthy. They’re self-care. They send a clear message that your time, energy, and mental space matter.

Stop over-explaining your “no”. Stop feeling guilty asserting yourself. Stop feeding into relationships that are draining, one-sided, and toxic. Stop absorbing your discomfort for theirs. Instead, prioritize your peace.

May your “yes” be a wholehearted YES and your “no” be an unwavering ABSOLUTELY NOT!